Attachment
Wow it has been 2 months since we've been placed with our kids. That seems absolutely crazy!! I know, and it's also been almost one month since we've last update. A LOT has happened since then. We have started going to church as a family on Saturday nights. They have had their first doctors visits, dentist visits and chiropractor visits while in our care. They have tried lots of new foods. They have seen lots of snowstorms. They have been to the mall a couple of times. We sing and dance as a family and we are learning what it means to pray to God.
But one area that I want to let y'all in on is the area of attachment. Many kids struggle with attachment issues. Many kids, whether from foster care or not, struggle to make attachments with people other than mom and dad such as teachers, friends, babysitters, or even family. Well, our kids have the opposite problem. Our kids will and do make attachments with everyone. We learned a lot about attachment at our training and have talked with our social workers about it. It is an interesting thing. Our kids have been moved around too much and have grown accustomed to new places and new parents.
We noticed this right away, the very first time we met them over 2 months ago. We showed up to their respite foster home as friends of their social worker. Right away, our son started pulling books off the shelf and sat right in my lap asking me to read them. They just are not shy. Then after knowing us for a couple of hours, they were dropped off at our house for a visit. Their foster mother left to run some errands and they weren't the least bit cautious of us. Two days later, we took them home for the first time and they had no problems with it. They hopped right in the van and headed for another new home. This definitely made the transition a whole lot easier but it also brought some challenges.
The kids made an instant attachment to us as mom and dad however, we quickly realized that our definition of "Mom and Dad" and their definition of "Mom and Dad" were very different. They started calling us mom and dad from day 2 but to them, those titles simply meant the adults who were their current caretakers. Nothing more, nothing less, and nothing permanent. Many adults in their life had held the title Mom and Dad at one point or another, how were they to know we would be any different?
Things have slowly been changing for them over the past couple of months. At first we were very cautious to introduce them to many people at all. In fact, for the first 2-3 weeks we didn't really introduce them to anyone. (Did you know the recommended time to "hold kids close" after an adoption in order for attachment to form is a whole 6 months?) Slowly, we began to introduce them to family and friends and that is when we saw the danger in attachment. They would give anyone a hug. They would ask anyone to pick them up. They would even ask people they decided they liked after only a few short minutes if they had car seats in their car and if they could go with them.
Over the past couple of weeks, the kids seem to be learning that we are mom and dad forever. The first sign was when we dropped our son off at kids church and he started to cry. Two weeks before, we'd drop him off and he could care less. Then last week at church, all three of them had a difficult time letting us go. Many people would mourn the idea of their kids crying at kids church. But as we walked away from their rooms last week, we both had to smile because we knew that we were mom and dad and now they knew it!
(Warning! The pastor is going to preach now.) This is a whole lot like our faith in Christ. God wants to and initiates our adoption out of sin and death, into his loving family. But at first, if we just see God as the one who saves us then we fail to make an attachment to who He really is and who we really are. He is way way more than just our savior. He is our father. We are way more than a saved sinner, we are sons and daughters of God. Our faith becomes real when we see God as father, and not just our creator and savior. God is our father and we need to live in that role and attach to him in that way.
But one area that I want to let y'all in on is the area of attachment. Many kids struggle with attachment issues. Many kids, whether from foster care or not, struggle to make attachments with people other than mom and dad such as teachers, friends, babysitters, or even family. Well, our kids have the opposite problem. Our kids will and do make attachments with everyone. We learned a lot about attachment at our training and have talked with our social workers about it. It is an interesting thing. Our kids have been moved around too much and have grown accustomed to new places and new parents.
We noticed this right away, the very first time we met them over 2 months ago. We showed up to their respite foster home as friends of their social worker. Right away, our son started pulling books off the shelf and sat right in my lap asking me to read them. They just are not shy. Then after knowing us for a couple of hours, they were dropped off at our house for a visit. Their foster mother left to run some errands and they weren't the least bit cautious of us. Two days later, we took them home for the first time and they had no problems with it. They hopped right in the van and headed for another new home. This definitely made the transition a whole lot easier but it also brought some challenges.
The kids made an instant attachment to us as mom and dad however, we quickly realized that our definition of "Mom and Dad" and their definition of "Mom and Dad" were very different. They started calling us mom and dad from day 2 but to them, those titles simply meant the adults who were their current caretakers. Nothing more, nothing less, and nothing permanent. Many adults in their life had held the title Mom and Dad at one point or another, how were they to know we would be any different?
Things have slowly been changing for them over the past couple of months. At first we were very cautious to introduce them to many people at all. In fact, for the first 2-3 weeks we didn't really introduce them to anyone. (Did you know the recommended time to "hold kids close" after an adoption in order for attachment to form is a whole 6 months?) Slowly, we began to introduce them to family and friends and that is when we saw the danger in attachment. They would give anyone a hug. They would ask anyone to pick them up. They would even ask people they decided they liked after only a few short minutes if they had car seats in their car and if they could go with them.
Over the past couple of weeks, the kids seem to be learning that we are mom and dad forever. The first sign was when we dropped our son off at kids church and he started to cry. Two weeks before, we'd drop him off and he could care less. Then last week at church, all three of them had a difficult time letting us go. Many people would mourn the idea of their kids crying at kids church. But as we walked away from their rooms last week, we both had to smile because we knew that we were mom and dad and now they knew it!
(Warning! The pastor is going to preach now.) This is a whole lot like our faith in Christ. God wants to and initiates our adoption out of sin and death, into his loving family. But at first, if we just see God as the one who saves us then we fail to make an attachment to who He really is and who we really are. He is way way more than just our savior. He is our father. We are way more than a saved sinner, we are sons and daughters of God. Our faith becomes real when we see God as father, and not just our creator and savior. God is our father and we need to live in that role and attach to him in that way.
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Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteLove it, that is a great feeling when your kid is crying and you walk away a happy parent! I remember wanting to hi-five my wife because Lincoln was crying. It was a wonderful and amazing feeling - like the preacher says - it was a whole new understanding of the father's love for us!
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